Tuesday, January 12, 2010

my sister and my self-destruction

Yesterday I dreamt my sister was here and we were getting along well. She seemed happy and in the dream I wasn't angry with her. I haven't had any cannabis and so last night I had PTSD flashbacks and (due to the Paxil I was on long ago) injured my head. I've a terrible headache now and my untreated spinal condition has been flaring up. I managed to sleep last night and dreamt my sister and her fiancé were here, in the house, and I was ignoring both of them. I'd told my mother yesterday how angry I am at Joe, and while this is Lyn's childhood home, I want neither the dogs nor Joe in my home again.

I'm quite sure I won't be going to their wedding in late August, as my sister hasn't said or done anything to make up for making me feel worthless this Yule. They're both morons, murdered one of my patio cats (Cutie) on Halloween. Joe's an asshole on top of that and there are things he's done to my sister I won't forgive him for: buying her MDMA prior to her psychotic break a couple years ago and leaving a bruise on her arm. He also said when Mulder and Tres killed Cutie that he'd kill his own son. I told him I'd kill him and he arrogantly declared he'd defend himself. I tried to accept Joe as a member of our family, but that was because I care about my sister.

She hates me just for being sick, so it's a lost cause. I won't forgive either of them for murdering Cutie, nor will I forgive my sister for calling me a "parasite" before Yule and leaving me all alone Christmas Eve and the morning of. I've no moral support aside from friends, my mom and my cats. Friends are exhausting and I don't think I can continue my meetup groups while suffering such agony, unable to buy medicine, wishing I were dead. I don't know what deity to appeal to for this sort of help.


  1. Writings reduces the pain, at least a little...

  2. I'm going to try to clean up my altar this evening and spend some time meditating, although it's very difficult to function on any level without the female flower. A money spell would be a good idea, although I have zero experience working that sort of magic.